Working with Shame
A gentle IFS-inspired exercise for meeting shame with curiosity and compassion
Choose how you'd like to explore
Listen to the guided experience
— or —
Move through the exercise at your own pace
Shame can carry a powerful message.
Something is wrong with me.
I shouldn't have done that.
If people really knew me...
I'm too much.
I'm not enough.
When shame is present, our instinct is often to argue with it, hide it, push it away—or believe everything it tells us.
Parts work offers another possibility.
Instead of asking whether the shame is true, we can become curious about the part of us that carries it.
What if shame isn't the whole truth about who you are? What if it's something a part of you has been carrying?
This exercise offers a gentle way to explore that possibility.
Before You Begin
Choose something relatively mild that brings up shame, embarrassment, inadequacy, or the feeling that something about you isn't okay.
This isn't the time to work with your most painful memory or deepest source of shame.
You are in charge of how close you get. You can pause, open your eyes, look around the room, or stop at any point.
Nothing needs to be resolved today.
1. Notice the shame without stepping inside it
Bring your attention to the situation, thought, or feeling you chose.
Notice what happens inside as you think about it.
Maybe you hear words:
I should have known better.
Why am I like this?
Everyone else can handle this.
There's something wrong with me.
Or perhaps shame doesn't arrive as words. Maybe you notice heaviness, heat in your face, a sinking feeling, wanting to disappear, tension in your body, or an urge to turn away.
See whether you can notice:
A part of me is feeling shame right now.
Rather than:
I am shameful.
Notice whether that small distinction creates even a little space.
2. Notice how you feel toward the part carrying shame
Now become curious about your reaction to this part of you.
Do you want it to go away?
Are you embarrassed by it?
Frustrated that you're still affected by this?
Do you want to convince it that it's wrong?
Do you feel sorry for it?
Or perhaps you simply feel curious.
Whatever appears is welcome.
If you notice judgment, frustration, or urgency, you might quietly acknowledge:
There's another part of me here, too.
See whether those parts might be willing to give you just a little space—not because they're wrong, but because you'd like to understand what's underneath.
3. Let the shame be something you can see
If it feels comfortable, imagine the part carrying shame somewhere near you rather than completely inside you.
You don't have to visualize it clearly.
It might appear as an image, a younger version of you, a shape, a sensation, a posture, a color—or simply a sense that it's there.
Let it choose how close it wants to be.
You don't need to approach it.
You don't need it to approach you.
Just notice it.
4. Become curious about what it believes
Without trying to correct the part, gently wonder:
What does this part believe about me?
Then wait.
If something comes, notice it.
You don't have to agree with it.
You don't have to argue with it.
You are simply listening.
You might then ask:
Where did you learn that?
Again, don't search for an answer. See whether anything comes.
A memory might appear. A person. A feeling. A phrase you've heard before. Or perhaps nothing comes at all.
There's no right response.
5. Ask what the shame is trying to do
This question can sometimes change our relationship with shame:
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped making me feel this way?
Give the part time.
Sometimes shame believes it has an important job.
If I criticize you first, other people's criticism won't hurt as much.
If I make sure you never do that again, you'll be safe.
If I keep you small, no one will reject you.
If you remember what happened, you'll never make that mistake again.
If you hide this part of yourself, people will still love you.
You don't need to decide whether any of these are true for you.
Just listen for your part's answer.
6. See the intention beneath the shame
If you begin to understand what this part has been trying to accomplish, notice how you feel toward it now.
Perhaps nothing changes.
Or perhaps there's a little more understanding.
You might gently let the part know:
I see what you've been trying to do.
I understand why you thought this was necessary.
You don't have to stop today. I'm just getting to know you.
Notice how the part responds.
7. Offer something different
Rather than telling the part that it's wrong about you, see if there's something it would like from you right now.
Maybe reassurance.
Compassion.
Protection.
Permission to be imperfect.
A reminder that something happened to you rather than because of who you are.
Or perhaps it simply wants someone to sit beside it without trying to change it.
If something feels genuine, offer it.
If nothing does, don't manufacture it.
Your presence is enough for now.
Before You Leave
Take a moment to notice your surroundings again.
Feel whatever is supporting your body. Look around the room. Let yourself return fully to the present.
Then you might reflect:
What did I learn about the part of me that carries shame?
What does it seem to be afraid of?
What has it been trying to protect me from?
Did anything change when I stopped arguing with the shame and started listening to it?
What would I like this part to know about me today?
You don't need to leave this exercise feeling better.
The goal wasn't to eliminate shame.
The invitation was simply to discover whether you could meet the part carrying it without abandoning it—and without becoming it.
Want to take these prompts with you?
Download the free Working with Shame PDF →
Save it, print it, write on it, and return whenever something inside you needs a little more attention.
Want to continue exploring?
Shame is only one room in our inner world.
There are parts that work hard to protect us. Parts that criticize. Parts that grieve. Parts that long to be chosen. And parts that still remember delight.
The Inner Home Journey is a 10-part, self-paced, IFS-inspired experience designed to help you explore these different parts of yourself through guided meditation, reflection, creativity, and compassionate curiosity.
EXPLORE THE INNER HOME JOURNEY →
Or begin with a free guided Inner Home experience →